And Still Swear that they Love YOU!
Don't Believe Them!
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Why Some People Are Incapable of Saying ‘I’m Sorry’
This is not a report on how to make the never-sorry person say sorry. For the most part, I’ve failed at that task in my life. What I’ve gotten better at, however, is accepting the things I can’t change and putting less energy into the fight for an apology from someone who doesn’t have the capacity to offer it
When hurt by another, our bodies are hardwired to need an apology in order to relax, move forward, and let go of the hurt. But sometimes, when we can’t get what we think we need, we have to learn to relax on our own—without the help that comes with an apology. Trusting and knowing that our pain is deserving of kindness, and that our truth is justified and valid, is the beginning of our independent healing process.
Consider the profound value of a simple and sincere “I’m sorry.” When you’re lucky enough to receive a genuine apology, take it in. Feel the majesty of what this other person is offering. Receive their willingness to be vulnerable and accountable, to take care of you instead of their own ego. That’s big stuff.
So when you recognize an opportunity to say sorry and mean it, relish the chance to give that experience to another, to step up and perhaps move out of your comfort zone. Let go and be generous. And when you can, honor the profundity of the gift you’re giving. “I’m sorry” and “thank you” are really two sides of the same coin.
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From Psychology Today, by Guy Winch, 2013
Apologies can vary greatly in their significance: When non-apologists bump into someone in a crowd, they might mumble a quick "I’m sorry" without giving it another thought. But the same person arguing with their spouse about directions might yell, “I’m telling you: The GPS is wrong! Take this left!” only to find out the satellite system was correct—and still adamantly refuse to apologize, perhaps calling on excuses such as, “You take the wrong exit all the time, too!” or “The GPS is wrong half the time anyway—it’s not my fault!”
Similarly, when our actions or inactions cause someone actual harm, real emotional distress, or significant inconvenience, most of us quickly offer a sincere apology, both because it is deserved and because it’s the best way to garner forgiveness and alleviate the guilt we feel. But in these situations, too, non-apologists typically use excuses and denial to shirk their responsibility. Why?
Why Apologies Threaten Non-Apologists
For non-apologists, saying "I’m sorry" carries psychological ramifications that run far deeper than the words themselves imply; it elicits fundamental fears (either conscious or unconscious) they desperately want to avoid:
- Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; if they were neglectful, they must be fundamentally selfish and uncaring; if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid, etc. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of identity and self-esteem.
- Apologizing might open the door to guilt for most of us, but for non-apologists, it can instead open the door to shame. While guilt makes us feel bad about our actions, shame makes non-apologists feel bad about their selves—who they are—which is what makes shame a far more toxic emotion than guilt.
- While most of us consider apologies as opportunities to resolve interpersonal conflict, non-apologists may fear their apology will only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict. Once they admit to one wrongdoing, surely the other person will pounce on the opportunity to pile on all the previous offenses for which they refused to apologize as well.
- Non-apologists fear that by apologizing, they would assume full responsibility and relieve the other party of any culpability. If arguing with a spouse, for example, they might fear an apology would exempt the spouse from taking any blame for a disagreement, despite the fact that each member of a couple has at least some responsibility in most arguments.
- By refusing to apologize, non-apologists are trying to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and experience emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening. They fear that lowering their guard even slightly will make their psychological defenses crumble and open the floodgates to a well of sadness and despair that will pour out of them, leaving them powerless to stop it. They might be correct. However, they are incorrect in assuming that exhibiting these deep and pent-up emotions (as long as they get support, love, and caring when they do—which fortunately, is often the case) will be traumatic and damaging. Opening up in such a way is often incredibly therapeutic and empowering, and it can lead them to experience far deeper emotional closeness and trust toward the other person, significantly deepening their relationship satisfaction.
From Me - There are some people in my Life who do not have the humanity to understand that their behaviors have created the anger I have for them...The Never-Sorry People.
Christmas 2020. The Old Man Crap,
I had a few things set aside to give him....and I did.
He had Zip, Zero, Nothing to give me.....and no apology or?
This is truely Old Man Crap! He says he loves me??? No
