How to Survive in an Unhappy Marriage and Thrive
It’s a very personal decision but once you make up your mind to stay, you have some choices to make.
You can learn how to create an amicable home despite the relationship failing. You can still keep your home a safe haven for you.
Practicing detachment to cope
When a marriage isn’t working, detachment can be a lifesaver. Detachment is letting someone be who they are while protecting yourself from their consequences. It helps create distance from certain behaviors that drive you nuts.
Detachment works when there is: Verbal abuse or Criticism
Every marriage has annoyances that create tension. Detachment provides that emotional space between you and the annoying behavior. It gives you a chance to walk away and take care of yourself.
Detachment is letting other people be who they are without trying to change or fix them. Often, the relationship improves because when you detach, you care less.
Accepting them for who they are relieves frustration.
When you focus too much on someone else’s behavior it can make you crazy. Dealing with someone else’s behavior is exhausting. You get derailed from your own life by hoping they will change or finally “show up” for you.
What does detaching look like?
- Treating your spouse as a kind stranger would
- Stop giving advice or rescuing
- Letting go of all the "stuff"
- Not talking to them re: their behavior
- Letting them make their own choices
Doing these behaviors encourages goodwill. Maintaining pleasantries such as please and thanks sets a powerful tone for you.
Detaching means be light and polite
Being polite helps avoid those same old arguments. The home becomes less stressful. As you start make these positive changes you realize that you have the power to end the war — or at least not participate in it.
The Benefits of Detachment:
- You have more energy to care for yourself
- Not interfering helps you keep calm in the moment
- There is less arguing
- You stop expecting your spouse to do anything positive
- Letting go of what isn’t working keeps expectations realistic
Find New Ways to Connect
Finding neutral ways to connect is important. When couples are unhappy, make an effort to keep a few going such as having breakfast together.
You can choose to stay and be miserable or find a way to be pleasant. That’s the power you do have which can open the door to healing. If not, at least you’re not living in a relationship war zone.
Neutral Ways to Connect in an Unhappy Marriage
- Have some meals together
- Talk about safe, neutral topics
- Make daily conversations pleasant and light-hearted
You can co-exist in the midst of an unhappy marriage by creating new ways to connect.
Get Your Own Life Going Despite the Marriage
Part of coping with an unhappy marriage is redefining your own life. How you think determines much of the outcome. By focusing on the problem, the problem grows, but when your mind shifts to the solution, depression, and hopelessness decrease. You start to have hope again.
Stop expecting your partner to fulfill your needs, find alternatives. Getting enough support from others is another aspect of growing your independence. Feeling more connected makes you feel less alone.
A Happier Self Heals You in an Unhappy Marriage
Starting to take better care of yourself is the next step. Start to go out with friends. You will be happier, and you’ll be less stressed. Your spouse may even become more amiable.
Stop the conflict over what you cannot change and learn to focus on what you can. In the long run, even if the marriage fails, creating a happier connection means that everyone wins.
