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Please be kind, and bless me and release me gently.
You are your own healer.
According to Glennon Doyle, toxic relationships are so difficult to let go because we get stuck in a holding pattern of waiting for the person to hurt us to absolve us of the pain they’ve caused, rather than looking within to find that absolution. Simply put: The person who hurt you isn’t going to be able to be the person that heals you.
“We are so intent on getting healed by those who hurt us that we wait in the pain,” she says. “But the thing is that we will die waiting.” Glennon says that it is our personal life’s work to heal ourselves—to release ourselves from the pain that we’ve been caused—not that of the person who hurt us.
Liken it to someone who eats fast food for every meal. There’s no doubt that the unhealthy ingredients in that supersize meal contribute to the poor health of the person, but it’s not the fault of the supersize meal. It’s the responsibility of the person who eats that every day to change her behavior. The same can be said of relationships. “It can be hard, but it is simple,” says Glennon. “If you don’t want to get wet, close the window.”
Set your boundaries.
Glennon says there are great loves in her life: Her family and her boundaries. “I love humanity,” she says, “but actual human beings are hard for me.” To get around this, Glennon sets boundaries in her relationships, and sticks with them. If someone is continuously driving her nuts, she gently allows that person to drift out her life. Why continue with a relationship that’s not satisfying?
“Some relationships feel too heavy because we’re meant to gently put them down and carry on,” she says. “Gentle goodbyes can be acts of great courage and kindness. Holding an unhealthy relationship close is not love or being a good friend. Keeping her close and hating her isn’t kind. Sometimes kind is a gentle goodbye, for now.”
That doesn’t have to be forever. You can release friendships when they no longer serve you—but with the compassion and empathy to allow that person back into your life if they show that they, too, have accepted the responsibility of their actions, and have done the work to make big change. Part of living mindfully is not just to recognize that which no longer serves you, but to recognize when you can be of service to others. Forgiveness is a powerful vehicle for spiritual growth.
Trust your gut.
When it comes to recognizing toxic relationships, the best tool we have is our inner voice. “I believe you can trust your gut with almost everything,” says Glennon. Women, in particular, she says, are taught to ignore than inner voice—to silence our intuition—and instead put the happiness and the needs of others above our own.
“The more our inner whispers fade from disuse,” Glennon says, “the more our bodies speak up, trying to get our attention. We get tired. We get sick. We can’t sleep. And we ignore these voices, too. If you refuse to listen to anybody long enough, she’ll stop speaking. Which is why one day we realize we have lost our way.” The antidote to this? Get quiet to hear—and to trust—your own voice. Glennon says this voice will speak to us about all parts of our lives, including friendships.
The final word on removing toxicity from your life? “Practice being, to yourself, the kind of friend you need others to be for you. Speak to yourself with kindness, courage, and respect. Offer yourself grace. Delight in you. Listen very carefully to yourself.”
You’ve had the answers all along.
Bless and Release
